Positive Life NSW Blog

Consent and Respect - Let’s have Fun!

Posted by on in Treatments

Image: two young men in the heat of passion embrace and kiss.

Consent, negotiation and mind-blowing sex - let's make it great for all involved!

As a community we embrace sex positivity. We talk about sex in its many and varied expressions and experiences with our friends, family, fuck buddies, and partners. We use everything from handkerchiefs to apps to signal to the world how we want to fuck, who we want to fuck, where we want to fuck and when. We have an ever growing list of sexually diverse sub-cultures with their own unspoken gestures to indicate interest in one another. We are increasingly capable and confident discussing what we like, what’s hot and what’s not.

Yet in the heat of a hot fuck session, there’s one major thing that universally matters. That is mind-blowing sex that’s mutually consensual, reciprocally negotiated and permissible, and meets all the needs of consent and respect. When consent is negotiated and given, it’s equally important to understand that as fast as it can be given, consent can also be withdrawn.

Negotiating sex before a hook-up is fairly common today. With the growing use of apps like Tinder and Grindr, showing interest in someone is as simple as a click or a swipe. When there’s mutual attraction and flirting, talking about, then negotiating what sort of a fuck you’re interested in, often leads to a meet. Many of us have used this tried and tested method countless times with varying degrees of success. Just because we’ve negotiated the fuck session before seeing each other, often what ultimately takes place isn’t what was agreed. Or the hot fuck happens and you walk away from a session not feeling entirely comfortable with how it played out.

Establishing an understanding of what has been agreed to, not only ensures everyone has a good time, more importantly it ensures that we don’t end up doing something that we regret later on. For a party session for example, discussing what happens and who will be involved is important to make sure informed choice occurs before you arrive or as you get into the fuck session.

Whether you’re at a sex-on-premises venue or at a private party in someone else’s home or your own, just because you’re there doesn’t mean you automatically have to do what others expect to happen or that this means you’ve given consent to all that happens. At times, we can feel pressure to do things that we don’t feel comfortable doing and coercion can take place. When you can’t make an informed choice because you don’t know what to expect or you don’t have all of the details or facts, you can feel confused.

Sometimes this involves misunderstanding on your part or on the part of others. It could be unintentional and simply assumed understanding or an incomplete description. It could also be deceptive with the intention to deliberately mislead someone.

Just like consenting to what kind of sex you want, disclosing your HIV status to your sexual partners and/or people you’re injecting with is an important conversation to have before fucking. This gives your friends and lovers a chance to make their own choice about what type of sex is right for them.

Some people worry that disclosing their HIV status to their partners before sex, will mean rejection and stigma. If partners don’t disclose their health status, even after being questioned about it, and then they tell you they have an STI after the fuck session, this can create a great deal of fear. Avoiding or disengaging from a conversation about disclosure or negotiation, also takes away our right to clarify what boundaries are appropriate for us when talking about the type of sex we want, how we want to do it or if we feel comfortable doing it.

For people who enjoy the combined pleasure of fucking and substances, whether it’s alcohol or party drugs, then disclosure, negotiation and consent when initiating sex and substance use are key to a hot session. If you’re newer to a party scene where other people are used to fucking with substances, while you might feel confident to negotiate and consent to the sex you want, you might not be so familiar with what this means with drugs in the mix. Under these circumstances there’s an increased likelihood of feeling peer-pressure, confusion or coercion.

As we all know, a hot fuck happens when there is a connection, respect, chemistry and trust between sexual partners. When you find yourself in an unexpected situation, it can be confronting and challenging to manage. When you feel like your boundaries or values are compromised, it can be much harder to manage or respond confidently. At these moments, it’s easy for sexual assault to occur and it’s important to remember you can always say no, at any time.

Withdrawing your consent or leaving a situation that feels uncomfortable or compromised is okay and also your legal right. If you see someone who looks to be out of their comfort zone or who has said they want to stop, that’s a clear sign to stop. Anything that happens from that point of “no” is assault.

If you feel like you might have been assaulted

You can contact the 1800RESPECT Helpline for information and support for anyone in Australia experiencing sexual assault or domestic violence, 24/7 on 1800 737 732 or online at www.1800respect.org.au

You can contact NSW Rape Crisis Centre 24/7 by telephone and online for crisis counselling for anyone in NSW – men and women – who has experienced or is at risk of sexual assault on 1800 424 017 or online at www.nswrapecrisis.com.au

You can also ask to speak to a GLLO (Gay and Lesbian Liaison Officers) at your nearest police station. If they do not have a GLLO at that station, it is possible for a GLLO from a nearby station or region to be available.

If you seek counselling or support

You can contact Mensline, which have a telephone counselling where you can have up to 6 sessions and make a referral for men. You can call them on 1300 789 978 www.mensline.org.au

Lifeline National crisis and suicide prevention is a telephone counselling, 24 hours/day, 7 days/week on 13 11 14 or online at www.lifeline.org.au

Aboriginal Community Controlled Health Services (ACCHS, also known as Aboriginal Medical Services/AMS). ACCHS are health services initiated by Aboriginal people, based in a local Aboriginal community, which delivers a holistic and culturally appropriate health service. To find the contact details of your nearest service visit: www.health.nsw.gov.au/aboriginal pages/contact.aspx

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