Positive Life NSW

Tobin muses on the changes that online dating has brought to our sex lives, recalling some of the highs and lows of revealing his HIV status, and why some of us choose sero-sorting to keep things simple.

Sero-Discordance. It sounds like a post industrial nightclub or an over-funded performance art group from Europe. It certainly isn’t, but it can be as confusing and confounding as arcane performance art. It’s not exactly a horny or alluring word pair and it isn’t the best way to start a date conversation!

From my trusty but not always conclusive Macquarie dictionary, ‘sero’ means serum or blood, ‘discord’ means 1. Lack of concord or harmony between persons or things; disagreement of relations, 2. Difference of opinions. I’ll spare you the musical definitions but I will just say discordant music is rarely a mellifluously pleasurable experience.

Relationships and sex are supposed to be fun and stimulating; they aren’t always a walk in the park, but definitely worth the effort – and at times – drama! Do opposites attract or do we find ourselves wanting the comfort of similarity or indeed familiarity?

I’m going to try to explore some aspects of these grand questions, albeit from a rather personal angle, as a sexually active human being in this spooky board game we call life. I happen to be a gay man, no lifestyle choice or social reaction, just the way I was born and with this identity/label/life comes specific challenges and hurdles.

The dating revolution
It could be argued that gay men in the west have achieved a certain level of recognition and acceptance in the eyes of mainstream society. In reality, many of us still feel like cockroaches, scuttling from place to place – home, SOPV, club, bar, etc – in small ghettos that allow a certain level of freedom as long as you keep things reasonably discrete. It could also be argued that unlike the hetero-normative paradigm, many of us lead a life with more emphasis on sex. Depending on how discriminating your taste may be, it can be reasonably easy to pick up in a gay pub, bar, beat, club, sauna or some other sex venue.

But like a lot of the modern world, many have taken to the internet as a social service, like a thirsty queen to a cold schooner of lager! Some will argue that it’s a safer way to meet people for dates or random hook-ups and sex. When you have such a variety of sites and profiles that leave little to the imagination, why would you bother with all the chatter, noise and annoying guesswork of old-school dating? It seems much of our identities are entwined, embroiled and irreversibly tied up in all things sexual. Did we choose to go there ourselves or did we do it unwittingly?

Sex and dating nowadays comes with a whole lot of asterisks, conditions, warnings and fine print; a veritable lexicon of risks, diseases and a plethora of acronyms and awkward terms. What was once a joyous and oft spontaneous activity has now become a negotiated contract with demands, discussions and disclaimers. Not to mention insensitive and confusing state and territory laws. Throw in the hysterical tabloid media and you have a dish that is potentially on the nose!

There is no place more pungent with contradiction and confusion than the good old World Wide Web. Many use it for news, shopping, socialising and even dating. It’s become a convenient, at home, one-stop shop for all things modern and fab. You can choose how much people see you, adjusting your anonymity knob to the level of your own comfort.

Along with Youtube trolls and other faceless cyber bullies the internet is crawling, like a Google spider monster, with folks of all persuasions! The internet has been called democratic communication, de-monopolised media and even an unregulated free for all. You do sometimes have to sift through a lot of crap to find a gem, but maybe that’s the appeal, just like dating only wider!

Picking and choosing
The term sero-sorting (horny, huh?!) is relatively new and it attempts to define or describe the way people choose their sexual partner on the basis of perceived or actual HIV status. It seems most aren’t as concerned about Hep C, herpes or the many other nasty infections; HIV reigns as the contemporary disease of choice and the trendy virus of hysterical contention!

Now, I happen to be in a poz–neg relationship. I’ve been lucky enough to meet a fella who didn’t find my HIV status as a threat or a reason to panic unnecessarily. I’ve been poz for 20 years this year (no cards please) and it’s been a rocky road, especially when it comes to dating and partnering. To be honest, I spent a lot of time avoiding intimacy for fear of rejection due to my HIV status, so I just went for the ‘easy’ take out version. There was rarely ANY discussion but, of course, safety was on my mind at all times. Safety, because I didn’t want another STI or a nasty drug-resistant strain of HIV from some person who might be highly virulent because they didn’t even know they were positive.

Now there are some great folks out there who don’t panic, who educate themselves and have no real issues with partnering with an HIV-positive person, but I’ve experienced and heard some shockers over the years. Shockers in the way some respond on hearing of your poz status.

I’ve had the “I think your lovely, but I don’t want to have to bury you” or the “it really worries me and I guess I’m not prepared to take the risk” or the simply chillingly cold automated “thanks for taking the time to look at my profile but I don’t think we match”. None of this is great for building confidence and healthy self-image, so you could almost see why some poz folk sort to only date other poz people, just to avoid the humiliation and shame. This is not to say that poz–poz (sero-concordant?) sex or relationships are a breeze.

It’s a social Darwinian minefield out there, what with your “D&D free”, “no fats or fems”, “not into Asians”, “no pandas”, “if your over 30 don’t even bother”, “hung muscle seeks same”, etc, ad nauseum! A real gem was one hot Lebo guy who wrote in his “what I like” section on gaydar that went something like this: “If you have a Southern Cross tattoo then we probably won’t get on, in fact, you’ll probably end up in hospital”. Interesting how extremism can foster extremism but it gives us an idea of how sensitive and picky we can be at the expense of other peoples feelings.

No wonder some folk opt for the less romantic option of ‘take-out’ or ‘stand-up’ sex at the relatively anonymous environs of a dark sex venue. For a start, talking is usually frowned upon and disclosure of just about anything is considered gauche. We are there to get off, not to talk about who was wearing what when or what she said to him or what not. Mind you, a simple introduction shouldn’t be too much to ask!

Why can’t we all get along?
What intrigues and alarms me around the fear palpable from both sides of the sero-discordant divide is the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ cone of silence that pervades so many sexual encounters. Ignorance is bliss, therefore no discussion is comforting? I don’t think so! This occurs often and is a sad reflection of … lot’s of things.

If, for example, one is up front about their HIV status in their online profile, then one can expect far less hits. If, like myself, I choose to bring the issue up at a time that suited, I would often get either a “thanks, but no thanks” or a barrage of questions from people who should know better. Has our education failed in some places or is the ostrich look a real goer these days? Sometimes I have the time and patience to be the unpaid teacher but not all the time!

Maybe a laissez-faire vibe has permeated HIV in our neck of the woods; seen as less of a threat, a completely manageable illness or an old gay man’s disease. The balance between vigilance and freedom remains complex and difficult.

In an ever-evolving world where some think the Swiss Statement* is a fab new eatery we must be wakeful in keeping people abreast of science and social change. Don’t get me started on our failing education system!

This is not just a poz person’s problem, it involves us all and HIV-negative people can alleviate the burden through empathy and understanding, all helping to make the ‘other’ less daunting.

HIV for most has become a social/emotional rather than a physical dilemma and in some ways that can be harder to negotiate or ‘treat’. The word ‘normalise’ is often used and it’s a profoundly important thing. Who on Earth wants to be bung, crook or strangely different?

In the famous words of a Depeche Mode song, “People are people so why should it be, you and I should get along so awfully”?

*The Swiss Consensus Statement was released by the Swiss Federal Commission for HIV/AIDS in 2008. It generated a lot of debate because of its conclusion that people with HIV who are on treatment cannot transmit HIV providing they meet select criteria. See Talkabout #164

Positive Life NSW is currently working on a new internet-based campaign around pos–pos sex and sero-sorting. For more information, contact Kathy at kathyt@positivelife.org.au or call 02 9361 6011.