Positive Life NSW

Illustration: POJO

It’s always been the biggest debate in gaydom. No, we’re not talking Madonna vs Kylie, or even Lady Gaga vs well, whoever the next gay diva to come along is, nor are we talking about poz vs neg. No, this is the great debate that looms large over all gay men, whether they are poz, neg, married, single, in an open relationship, slut, angel, Madonna fan, Kylie fan, Gaga fan or, indeed, all of the above. The question is: sex vs love, which is better?

Now, don’t you roll your eyes in your head as if you know best. Of course you do. We all do. We all think we know what’s best for us. Funny thing is, hindsight is a great thing to have but something you only get much further down the track after the event.

Let’s ponder for a moment – are all gay men just big sluts? Can gay men even say the word ‘monogamous’, let alone know what it means, or live up to it?

How many long-term gay couples do you know who are monogamous? Exactly!

Proof in the pudding

In my wide circle of friends, ex-lovers, lovers and party boys, there may just be one couple, who I will call Wayne and Jeff, who swear that they have never played around in all their 17 years together. That’s probably why one of them now is morbidly obese and the other spends most of his time either attending gay men’s intimacy groups, just so he can ‘massage’ some of the other participants’ backs, or sitting in a Newtown café ogling hot passersby with a hidden hard-on in his jeans.

Every week I hear that they may have broken up, but then I see them back together. They bitch about each other, they niggle each other and they actually insult each other in front of other people. It’s not funny or pleasant, let me tell you.

So, this is supposed to be my role model of the perfect gay monogamous couple? Hmmm.

I look back at my own history and see that I haven’t been so perfect either. I was in a long-term relationship for 14 years, seven of which I lived overseas in Europe with my partner. We were monogamous for the first five years of our relationship and then we were at the beach on holidays in Noosa when this hot Italian boy stalked us and basically cajoled us both into having sex with him. That literally opened the floodgates and they never closed. Instead our rising waters hit an iceberg eventually and the titanic that was our love for each other sank and was never found again.

My ex has since remarried, yes, really married (with the ceremony in Canada and all) and lives happily with his new partner, but from what I can gather they now have a rule of playing around but only doing it together. Seems sensible and an option that from what I can observe from others appears to be the most successful ‘gay couple’ model on the market today.

Eating out

After my break-up from the 14-year husband, I decided that I didn’t want to fall in love again, didn’t want the heartbreak and, well, basically that I should just enjoy the fact that I could still have plenty of casual sex with handsome men whenever I wanted. After all, that is one of the best things about being gay, as well as people always thinking that you have good taste in everything, be it music, design or outdoor furniture, right?

I had a couple of regulars, even one ‘straight’ guy I picked up on the street and who told me that he was desperate to fuck me. As it turned out, as soon as we got down to it, he flipped around on his back and became a total bottom – and loved it. I was in my element.

I had plenty of friends for conversation, plenty of hot guys for sex – so what did I need with a relationship or a husband, or someone who wanted to argue with me about not putting the garbage bins out again just as I was about to turn off the light and go to bed? I loved my freedom, I loved being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted and on my own terms. That, to me, was total freedom.

There were a couple of guys who were potential suitors, but I always managed to find something about them that stopped me from every really tipping head over heels in love with them. Then I would pull back and pretty much move on to the next one, or three.

My friends in couples would look at my life and sigh wistfully saying, “You have it so easy!” as they plowed their way through IKEA, Bunnings and the gourmet deli at David Jones with their respective partners trying to maintain the peace between each other.

Eating in

Then ‘it’ happened. I’m not even sure how. ‘It’ wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I met a guy online for sex and then, well, he just stayed. There seemed no good reason for him to go as he seemed to fulfil all of the requirements that I had – he was handsome, good sex, interesting conversation, adored me and danced like a dream. Within a week we had said the dreaded ‘L’ word to each other and now, some three months later we are contemplating moving in with each other.

Thus I’ve gone from total slut to total homebody and I have to say that while I do sometimes miss being able to do what I want, when I want and with whom I want, the fact of the matter is that I get so much from my partner now that skipping that stuff seems but a small price to pay. I’m not saying that being in a couple is better than being single, far from it. After all it’s often a logistical nightmare just trying to co-ordinate getting two gay men out of the bathroom and out of the house on time.

Hash it over

The thing I’m getting at is that we, as gay men, have options available to us that most straight people never even think about or are never allowed to think about. If you’re straight then you are pretty much expected to be married with children by a certain age and if you aren’t, then there’s something wrong with you. A pretty dumb expectation, but then there are a lot of dumb people out there who still subscribe to that.

As gay men, and women, we’ve come to realise that we can do things outside of the norm and still lead interesting, exciting and sexually fulfilling lives, perhaps even more so than our heterosexual brethren. It’s like our third eye, if you will pardon the pun, gives us a bigger insight into life and all of its many variations on offer.

Not everyone wants to put their hand up and be one of Beyonce’s ‘single ladies’, but then again not everyone wants to be one of those people suffering through Lady Gaga’s ‘bad romance’ either. To each their own – they both offer something different and at different times in your life that may be exactly what you are looking for. Never say never, is my motto. Live for the moment and if the moment tells you that you are happy being with someone than snatch that moment. If your moment tells you that you are happy sharing your affections with a range of admirers then waste not, want not.

Just one more tip – do it safely for their sake and for yours, whatever your final decision may be.