Positive Life NSW

The holidays are a great time to relax, recharge and catch up with friends and family, but they can also be a period of stress and anxiety. Kevin Pyle speaks to clinical psychologist Valerie Rendle about how to get through the holidays.

KP: The holidays can be mentally and physically demanding. Can you offer any advice on how to prepare for and manage the social demands of the holidays?

VR: It can be helpful to think about how much you can manage to do and what works best for you. For example, you may find it difficult to concentrate later in the evening or that a late night is difficult to handle, in which case planning daytime activities can work better.

It can also help to think about how you would like to allocate your social time and create a plan. Over Christmas, for example, you may want to go to family events during the day and spend time with friends in the evening. To ensure you get enough rest, you might like to schedule your quiet times in your diary.

When you are asked to do something that you feel is difficult for you, you might suggest that you go for a shorter time (perhaps asking them which time they would prefer) or say no and perhaps suggest getting together after Christmas.

It’s usually easiest to thank people for the invitation and let them know what you are able to do, without going into details. If you are pressed for an answer, rather than argue about it, try thanking them again and repeating what you can manage.

It can help to remember that people who would like to have you there will usually still have a good time if you can’t make it and that it usually will not matter in a few months whether you went to a specific event or not. There are other times of the year you can be with people and enjoy their company if you can't manage to see them over Christmas.

KP: Family gatherings are an inevitable part of the holidays. What’s the best way to prepare yourself for what is likely to be a stressful time?

VR: Extended family gatherings can be stressful at times. If you are worried about spending time with your family, it can help to:

• Be realistic – if your family tends to argue or be critical then they will probably tend to do so during Christmas
• Choose not to raise provocative subjects or argue and to change the topic when things are heading in a difficult direction
• Notice if you are starting to feel stressed and take time out – go for a walk or even go to the toilet to break the tension
• Try to focus on the good things about your family rather than the differences.

KP: If you are alone during the holidays, what can you do to keep your spirits up?

VR: During the holidays it can be helpful to:

• Plan activities for yourself so that you are doing something each day – you might like to go to a community event, such as carols by candlelight, or treat yourself to a movie
• For Christmas day itself, plan something special for yourself – cook your favourite food (not necessarily turkey or pudding), watch a DVD, listen to music or read a book (libraries often allow more books to be borrowed over the holidays) or even plan to watch some special TV programs – anything that makes you feel good
• Get up at the normal time and if possible go outside for even a short walk or sit in the sun
• If you have internet access, investigate the online chat sites you like – because of the different time zones, there is always someone to talk to
• Consider ways of making more social contacts for next year or reconciling with people you may previously have had problems with
• Volunteer or contact someone else you know is alone
• If you have people you can socialise with over the period, it may be helpful to talk to them even if you are feeling down.

KP: What can you do on a practical level to help lower anxiety during the holidays?

VR: The holiday period can also be stressful because we put high expectations on ourselves. We want to get everything right – the best present, the best meal – and we want to see everybody. But this can come at a personal cost in terms of energy and stress.

It can be helpful to accept the limits of what you can do (not everything can be perfect) and realise that other people are usually happy with what you can do. They may not be any happier or think any more of you if you put in a lot of effort to make something ‘perfect’. Even if things go wrong, you can still have a good holiday.

If you are worried about your plans for the holidays, it can be helpful to:

• Write down the things that you have to manage and think about your priorities – where are your time and energy going to be best spent so that you can contribute while at the same time look after yourself
• Plan what you are going to do – make a list and do one thing at a time
• Say no to things you can’t manage (see above)
• Make a budget and decide what is realistic and possible
• Go for simple food and presents (perhaps suggest a Kris Kringle)
• Write down your worries and think about whether they are realistic or whether it is more your tendency to worry. Consider whether there is something you could do to help the situation or whether you could get some help. It can also help to accept that some things are beyond our control.
• Take time out.

KP: What general things can we do to take care of ourselves during the holiday season?

VR: When you are busy with additional activities or feeling a bit down, it is easy to stop spending the time and effort to look after yourself, yet it is at these times that you most need self care.

To look after your body and your mind it can be helpful to:

• Try to maintain a healthy lifestyle – eat healthy foods and get some moderate exercise, even a small walk can have a positive effect
• Try to get enough sleep – take early nights where possible and, if possible, spread out late nights
• Keep alcohol and cigarettes at moderate levels – if you drink alcohol, try drinking water or something soft as well.
• Do something for yourself – make time for the things you enjoy and put aside some quiet time
• Get things out – talk to people or write down what you are thinking and feeling
• Do relaxation exercises – gentle slow breathing (10–12 breaths a minute) when you are feeling stressed can help you calm down
• Be aware of your energy levels – do a little less than you think you can to keep something in reserve.

KP: The holidays often make us think of those we’ve lost. How can we manage feelings of loss and grief?

VR: The holidays are often a time when we remember and miss people who are not here. We all have different ways of managing loss, some of us might prefer to be alone while others find it easier to be with people and talk about their loss. It’s ok to feel sad or to feel happy and enjoy yourself – it doesn’t mean that you have forgotten them. It can also help to spend some time thinking about people you miss and maybe to do something to remember them such as writing a letter to them or lighting a candle.

KP: The end of the year is a time of reflection and looking forward to the new year. Do you have any tips on how to positively reflect on the year and how to create realistic new year’s resolutions?

VR: Some years are difficult and when looking back a number of negative events may come to mind. It can be helpful to spend a few minutes thinking about some positive things that have happened such as a caring GP or supportive friend or something you did during the year or about some of the good things about living in Australia. You may also like to try thinking about next year and some changes that you can make to improve things you are unhappy about.

If you want to make changes or resolutions, it can be helpful to:

• Choose one or two changes that you really want to make – it is a better to make one small change than plan several major changes that you are unlikely to achieve
• Make the goal specific and achievable given yourself and your circumstances – for example a goal to build up to walking several times a week may be better than a goal to start going to the gym for an hour and half, six days a week
• Break your goal down into small, specific, doable steps that are not overwhelming and make a specific time to do them – for example, if your goal is to stop smoking, the first step might be to make an appointment to visit your doctor next Wednesday
• Celebrate the small steps you make
• Accept that real change takes time and there may be some glitches along the way.

KP: What signs or symptoms should prompt us to seek professional help?

VR: Although the holidays may cause minor temporary stress or distress, if symptoms of anxiety, loss of interest in pleasurable activities, low mood, hopelessness, social withdrawal or sleep problems persist for a couple of weeks it is time to see your doctor.

Valerie Rendle is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Paddington.

If you are feeling depressed or suicidal, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

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Tel: 02 9332 9600

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Freecall: 1800 184 527

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