Positive Life NSW

Three years into an unplanned journey. Max on disclosure, sex, friends and tears.

Some of us may be familiar with the line... “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” (The Way of Lao-Tzu, Chinese philosopher). Many of us take journeys; the usual being pleasure or work. Careful planning and timing goes into them and benefits usually received from making them.

A particular journey of mine began a little more than three years ago. I hadn’t planned on taking it; there’s certainly no way back on this one way ticket. My bags weren’t packed and I certainly wasn’t ready to go! My itinerary went like this:

May 2005

Step into Doctor’s office... receive diagnosis. Step out of Doctor’s office approximately an hour later with an absolute blur of thoughts racing through my mind.

My focus at this particular point in time centred on despair, pity, regret, dismay... the list could go on. What had I done to deserve this? What was going to happen to my life now?

I recall crying for about three weeks while the ‘mess’ of a positive diagnosis tried to settle in my mind. I’m glad now that I went through those tears. I believe they helped me immensely.

September 2005

A headache, which had persisted for the better part of four months, finally abated. Physically, this was the end of what I (later) discovered was my sero-conversion illness. At last, I felt like I could lift my head again and raise my eyes to a ‘normal’ level.

This physical change opened the door to a different level of awareness. Instead of focusing on feeling ill, I could at last focus on myself in a positive way and take steps in that direction. The gym became a sanctuary for me. I was going to become the fittest I had ever been. I would show everyone that they couldn’t tell just by looking at me that HIV had intruded into my life.

I’d also begun to view friends and acquaintances in a different way. In some ways I became less tolerant of those who I chose to disclose to who didn’t seem to understand. Why surround myself with negative people? -or those who are continually going to pity me? I asked myself questions about what I wanted from life and who I believed I was. I made sure I gave myself answers!

December 2005

I’m not used to going to the Doctor’s so often, but it’s going to be my way of life from now on. I’m assured that all is going well and I can count myself lucky that my complaints up until now are minimal. Things are starting to settle down as far as my body and HIV is going.

Christmas is coming...
My first work Christmas party since this has happened to me. I have a good social network at work, but no-one knew about my status. It was difficult keeping this to myself with colleagues I considered myself close to. As is the way of Christmas parties, I got pretty drunk... more tears came.

The rest of the evening was spent consoling the one friend that I told. I regret it now, but realise that I can’t change it. My only hope is that she has not disclosed to anyone else I work with. Our friendship has died as a result. It’s a long and involved story that can’t easily be explained here.

March 2006

Mardi Gras and all that fun! Men everywhere and lots of partying! I felt estranged from the whole thing; like none of it was meant for me, that I didn’t belong. What right did I have to be part of such a celebration?

May 2006

One year has passed since my diagnosis. Really? It’s only been a year??

June 2006

I met a lovely man. He’s positive! We dated for a few months. It didn’t last but it certainly put many things into perspective for me. I consider myself lucky to count this man as one of my closest friends now. His attitudes to sex and being positive have helped me manage my own views. Many conversations have taken place about how HIV has had an impact on our lives. I hope that I have helped him in some way too.

I realise that I have been building a network of positive friends. There is certainly a bond between us... HIV has made me feel connected in this respect. I expected isolation and despair!

December 2006

Another Christmas – this one spent with friends in a relaxed and happy environment. Even the work Christmas party was pretty good!

May 2007

My second anniversary.
I’ve noticed I’m going out a bit these days... not too much, but I’m not hiding away the way I did for my first year with HIV. Life is to be enjoyed. I’ve developed some great friendships; said goodbye to the ones that weren’t working and am looking after myself in a way that I never have before.

October 2007

I’m out there dating again. HIV certainly gets a varied reaction when I disclose to someone. Some of the guys I’ve dated have never come across a positive guy until me (that they’re aware of, anyway) and hopefully their eyes have been opened to the possibility that they can have a relationship with a positive guy.

May 2008

Three years have passed since I was diagnosed.

I don’t often think about HIV and me anymore. If I meet someone I like and want to get to know, then it needs to be addressed, but it doesn’t worry me if a negative guy has a problem with it. I’m not here to convince anyone that I am ok, in spite of being positive.

There are some niggling little signs that my immune system is fighting hard for me. I’m somewhat prepared emotionally for what I think will lie ahead.... medication at some stage?

The rest will sort itself out as I go along... step by step.

Funny thing about this journey... Although it wasn’t intended, the people that it has brought into my life and the experiences I am having, make it much easier to endure. It certainly feels like a thousand miles began with that step into a doctor’s office just three short years ago.