Positive Life NSW

Elaine writes about the levels of friendship, those who know and those who don’t

What is a friend?

• Someone who tells you honestly that Those Pants make your butt look like two pigs fighting under a blanket
• Someone who tells you honestly that That Person you’re panting over is no good for you (but listens patiently while you defend That Person with the ferocity of a rabid ferret)
• Someone who comforts you unconditionally when That Person breaks your heart for the fifth time (and never says “I told you so”)
• Someone who, without hesitation, throws themselves onto the back of the 6’7 gorilla twisting you into a pretzel after you tried to pry him off your girlfriend on the dance floor
• Someone who shares your triumphs and defeats, your joy and misery, with the same depth of feeling you experience
• Someone who accepts you just the way you are

Friendship is the oxygen which feeds the fire of life. It makes the world richer and more meaningful. There are many levels of friendship. It can be overwhelming, trying to categorise all the people in your life you consider friends. For me, I have simplified it by defining only two categories – those that know and those that don’t. My relationships are driven by my virus. It dictates how much of myself I share, which in turn influences the amount of time I spend with different people.

Those who know
Those who know are the people I feel the most comfortable with. I can express myself without censorship. I can embrace my spontaneity and never have to hide how I am feeling, or pretend to be something I am not.

Whilst many may not understand exactly how it feels to experience the challenges I face as a positive person, they allow me the freedom to be me- whoever that may be on any given day- without fear of reprisal or retribution. They validate my right to be happy, sad, angry... whatever. They forgive me my shortcomings, and are there in a pinch whenever I need them.

And those who don’t
Those who don’t know are a trickier group to deal with. More than acquaintances, less than bosom buddies, we talk about everything under the sun on a superficial level. We share our hopes and fears, thoughts and feelings, dreams and ideals. And yet there is an enormous chunk of my life which I cannot bring myself to speak of openly with them. This inhibits my freedom of speech.

I have become extremely adept at talking around things to do with that part of my life. I can see in their eyes they know there are important details I am leaving out of certain conversations. Thankfully, they’re either too polite or too disinterested to press for more information. Sometimes this becomes frustrating. Having to be always on my guard, and thinking through every word that comes out of my mouth before I say it, is exhausting (especially for someone as impulsive as I am). I am definitely more reluctant to spend a great deal of time with these people.

I often wish I could just let it all hang out and be totally open with every person in my life. But the repercussions don’t always affect me alone. I have to think about the other people in my life. For the most part, the people who don’t know are the parents of my children’s school friends. I spend time with these people so that my kids can have time with their friends outside of school hours. To my surprise and joy I am finding I have things in common with these people and we rarely lack for things to chat about. Yet there is awkwardness in my ability to interact with these lovely folk because I am not being completely open with them. This is hard for me, being of an honest and sharing nature. But I would hate to share with them, only to find out they no longer wish for our kids to spend time together; and having to face them every school-day, after such a rejection, would be borderline unbearable. And how would I explain to my boys why they are no longer welcome at their friends’ homes?

The question I ask myself all the time is “Do these people really need to know?” In the grand scheme of things, is it really so important to be totally honest with all my friends? I am sure they aren’t sharing all the intimate details of their lives with me. Everyone has secrets they share with only select people. Does it really affect my ability to be friends with someone because I don’t talk about my virus? Realistically, the answer would be a resounding no! In fact, it is nice to occasionally be seen as “ordinary”. Just like everyone else. To talk about things unrelated to health and well being. To just be Jaali and Neo’s mum. It’s rather liberating really.

And another category of friends
There is actually another category of friends I haven’t spoken about. Our lives rarely converge, and we couldn’t be less alike if we tried. Yet we share a common bond that breaks down any social barriers that would normally prevent us from interacting. I am talking about the Positive Community. People I meet only at the odd conference or other HIV-related activity. In our everyday lives we have seemingly little in common. And yet there is a depth of understanding and acceptance that I feel in no other area of my life. Having my experiences validated by people who have a true understanding of my positive life is the most powerful feeling in my world. Being able to cry, without then having to comfort the person whose shoulder I am soaking, is unbelievably freeing. Being able to share my fears and concerns, without having to explain myself, helps me to gain a clearer perspective and move forward. Having you makes me stronger and more able to face my future with a smile and good humor. For this, I thank you.

Everyone needs friends. We are social animals who need contact with other people to make our lives worthwhile. Whether you have one or one thousand, friends are the foundations on which we build our lives. They keep us strong and prop us up when we are weak. They make us laugh when we are sad and give us someone to share our happiness with. Few things in life have more value than having good friends. Except perhaps being one yourself.