Positive Life NSW

Let's face it - the internet has truly changed the way all of us live. Within the space of a decade, it's transformed not only the workplace, but also many aspects of our private lives. For gay men, particularly, it has had some remarkable effects. Mardi Gras this year offered as the topic for its annual great debate "that Gaydar is better than a gay bar?" True, it was all a bit tongue-incheek (especially with Bob Downe as the host!), but it did acknowledge the growing, if not leading position, websites such as Gaydar, Manhunt, Gay.com and Gaymatchmaker have in our lives. While the numbers at gay bars dwindle - and the number of gay bars themselves dwindle - and more and more people prefer to stay in the comfort of their own homes to meet Mr Right or Mr Right Now, the net has virtually become our second home. Or should that be our virtual second home?

So what does it mean now in 2007 if you're HIV+ and "surfing the net" looking for love, or action, or both? And how and when do you disclose when you're online? Here's a variety of user responses.

Poz4Poz

Of course the easiest way to disclose your HIV status is to be upfront about it. Whereas a few years ago it might have been almost unthinkable to actually give yourself an online nickname along the lines of "pozguy69" or "hotpozcock", they've become a familiar part of the cyber-landscape these days, especially in chatrooms. "I don't have time for bullshit, especially online," Andrew tells me. "Why beat around the bush? I'd rather be beating off next to their bush! If it's clear from my profile that I'm positive from the word go, then although it may cut down on my potential hook-ups, it also means that only those that don't have a problem with my status will apply. That's the way I like it. Besides, there are plenty of poz guys out there, many of whom aren't upfront themselves about their status, but who like me being so open about it and commend me on it. They just wish they could be so open about it as well!"

No answer

As with most things to do with the internet, it's easy to hide the truth. The easiest way to be discrete about your status, it would seem, is to simply write nothing, or keep the section blank, when asked for your HIV status whilst creating an online profile. "I think it's a major affront for a website to demand to know if you are positive or negative," Steven says. "I haven't told my family, or a lot of my close friends, and yet here are anonymous websites demanding highly confidential information as if they are asking about the colour of your eyes." Coincidentally the "no answer" section, or leaving an empty space in the "status" section, can also be an indirect indicator or tip-off about your status, much like words such as "uninhibited" and "raunchy" in a pro- file often point to certain activities.

Ask me

Another option many subscribe to is that of first engaging your potential shag(s) in some spirited conversation online to really find out more than just "So what are you into?" David, 38, tells me, "I've gone past the time when I'll just hook up with someone because they have a hot body or a cute face. Now I want something more than just that. I want some companionship and maybe even the possibility that things can go to a deeper level. That's why I spend a lot of time chatting with potentials first, to get to know them, and if I like them, I'll reveal my status and see how they react. Usually you can tell in the first few minutes if they'll be cool with it. Most of them say, 'I don't have a problem with it'. I think most gay men of a certain age - and I only do over 30s - are educated enough to know that HIV is more a chronic disease now than a death sentence and they also know that you can still stay negative while you're having sex with a positive guy. I have had a few exchanges that have made me feel bad, and as much as you try to block it out and tell yourself that these are just uneducated idiots, that can still be kind of hard on you. Thankfully the good guys have outweighed the bad ones."

Tell you later

Rather than actually hiding the fact that you're positive, some online users simply prefer not to disclose at all, figuring it's not likely to come up in conversation. Especially since conversation is probably the last thing they're after! "If I wanted people to know I was positive I'd tell them straightaway," Colin explains, "but I'm only on the net for hot hook-ups and always practice safe sex, so I don't see the need to disclose. It hasn't come up yet and I don't expect it too. I'm fit and healthy and have a good sex drive, so I don't see it as lying about my status. Besides, I don't bareback, so it's unlikely that I would have to reveal that I'm actually positive to one of my sex partners. If I were looking for a boyfriend it would be different, but I'm way too busy to have one of those right now."

This user is no longer online

Sadly, it's not all (pardon the pun) positive when it comes to disclosure. As in life, the online world can sometimes be a harsh mistress, or master. "I've told guys quite upfront that I'm positive and they've just clicked me away instantly," Peter, 28, explains. "There's still a lot of fear and misconceptions about HIV, particularly from the younger guys, and even if they've just told you a few sentences before that you're the man of their dreams, mention that you're HIV+ to them and they'll do a 360 and delete your profile from their buddy list or block you. It's sad, but you can't get too hung up on it. I try not to take it personally, but that rejection does hurt sometimes. Especially when everything about the guy seemed perfect for you too."
Whatever your approach, remember, as with most things in life, clear and respectful communication is the key to getting closer to your goal.