Managing changes in libido may be tricky but need not be insurmountable. Greg Page investigates.

You’re poz, he’s not. It’s a “+&-“ equation, but not one that instantly has to = disaster. By having clear channels of communication, as well as understanding the inherent challenges, there’s no reason a serodisco relationship can’t add up to a lifetime of love, contentment and – hurrah! - sexual fulfillment.

One of the biggest issues facing poz/neg couples can be sudden swings in libido, well-documented amongst positive men. Ageing, the direct effects of HIV, or the chronic nature of HIV infection can decrease testosterone levels.Testosterone is a naturally produced hormone found in both men and women essential for building muscle and bone mass and beloved by bodybuilders and gym bunnies alike.

According to the Canadian AIDS Treatment Information Exchange website, researchers at Harvard University recently conducted a study to compare levels of testosterone among HIV+ men who had HIV-related weight loss. The results showed “men who had low levels of testosterone were more likely to be depressed than men with normal levels of testosterone”.

So, how can you combat the blues and spice up your (love) life at the same time? There are numerous ways, which run the gamut of opening up your relationship to other possibilities (threesomes? moresomes?), to visiting an adult shop together to see if any suitable toys, or other items, may help get a rise.

Discussing a low libido with your doctor is probably the best starting point. Having your testosterone levels checked at regular intervals can be a good indication of whether you may require some boosting. Hormone levels can be checked with blood tests, but it is not a routine test. With new forms of testosterone available, including rub-on gels, there is no longer the need to have to put up with regular injections. Ask your HIV specialist, or doctor, what the options are and whether they may be suitable for you. It is your life, and your sex life, so don’t be ashamed to ask.

Discussing a low libido with your doctor is probably the best starting point.

With so many avenues available to the community for having sex nowadays, be it the Internet, bars, or sex-on-premises venues, not partaking in this side of the gay lifestyle can often make the person with a low sex drive feel they have somehow lost their identity. Gay men are often portrayed, in the straight and gay media alike, as promiscuous creatures with boundless sexual appetites. It can therefore feel like you’re “letting the side down” if you have a lack of interest in getting your rocks off. Although there is a little bit of truth in every cliché, the stereotypical gay man who lives and breathes for the one night (or one hour) stand certainly doesn’t apply to everyone. So, do what feels natural and most comfortable for you and don’t put yourself in a situation where you feel pressured, particularly when it comes to sex.

In a poz/neg relationship, that may mean both partners simply have to accept they have different libidos and, if the relationship is going to survive this, discuss the options available. Having one partner spending all his time online searching for and having sex, while the other takes nanna naps, or tends to the pot plants, does not necessarily make for a gratifying sex life for the couple – unless both partners are happy with this arrangement.

Yet at the end of the day, it may also be worth reminding yourself (and your partner) that as wonderful and hot as sex can be, there are other things in life that can be just, if not more, rewarding such as friendship, companionship, trust, or even walking the dog.

If loss of libido is getting both of you down, focus on enjoyable activities you can do together. Take up a new shared hobby, or challenge each other in areas you may never have considered –sailing, rock-climbing, or attending a Westlife concert. Volunteer your combined time and energy to a charity or worthy cause, which not only delivers satisfaction in knowing you’re helping others, but accords plenty of good karma points.

Ultimately you may simply accept fluctuating libidos do and will occur. You can talk openly about it with each other, and it doesn’t have to change your love for each other. Like Salt’n’Pepa wisely rapped – let’s talk about sex baby/let’s talk about you and me/let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be/let’s talk about sex!

For information on treatment talk to your doctor or visit your local Sexual Health clinic. For clinic locations see www.whytest.org or call the Sexual Health Hotline on 1800 451 624.