Chad and Ari
I was sitting in a bar and Petro turned to me and said: “I’m splitting up with my boyfriend and I have to tell someone”. Shortly after he invited me to a friend’s place. at some point, I thought this might go somewhere, so I wanted to tell him about my HIV status.

I didn't even think about HIV most of the time because I was detached from what was going on. It took a while for it to sink in that I was actually HIV positive. After I did a Genesis workshop* weekend for newly diagnosed men I felt more confident about telling him. Talking with other positive guys and hearing about how they dealt with things helped me to integrate HIV into my life and accept my diagnosis. This also gave me more confidence to have a relationship.

He's very interested in learning about HIV, because in a positive way he's interested in me.

When I told him, I was very straightforward and confronting. I said: “There’s something I need to tell you. I’m positive”. The style you use is very important and very personal. I mean you are disclosing potentially hurtful information about yourself. I think you need to be confident in the way you tell people. This has an impact on how you disclose and how the other person receives your disclosure. If you leave an opportunity to be judged, people will judge you.

I know Petro needed somebody to talk to about it, so he talked to his ex partner. He was actually quite courageous because he didn’t leave me. He had many questions and he thought about it. I encouraged him to ask questions and reassured him there are no stupid questions. He’s very interested in learning about HIV, because in a positive way he's interested in me.

He was splitting up from an eight year relationship. I mean it is not the best time to fall in love with someone new. That was one consideration and HIV was another. Part of it is being open about what you want, not holding back and actually voicing those thoughts. It’s important to be honest and keep the conversation open. This avoids the risk of going somewhere where you really don’t want to go.

* For more information on Genesis call ACON (02) 9206 2000 or Positive Life NSW (02) 9361 6011

PEP as a safety belt

I was concerned about passing HIV on to him and felt very uneasy with the responsibility of protecting my partner. I found out about PEP. PEP is a safety belt. It’s in the background if anything goes wrong - if the condom breaks. I do check the condom and I’m a little bit aware of small cuts or wherever blood is involved. Perhaps my attitude will change, which will make me feel more confident about practising safe sex and trusting it will work.

A low viral load would decrease our anxiety about passing on or getting HIV, but not in a way that changes how we have sex. We would still use condoms.

I thought about other ways of managing risk, like taking treatments to reduce my viral load and hence the risk of infection. I would say that’s as much a decision to protect my health as well. Having a low viral load would decrease our anxiety about passing on or getting HIV, but not in a way that changes how we have sex. We would still use condoms.

One step at a time

Good sex for me is when emotions are involved. The more emotion involved the better the sex is. With a condom that makes things complicated. I prefer sex without a condom, but I wouldn’t want to pay the price and to feel guilty if I infected my partner. Talk and listen to each other about what you both want from sex. I sometimes stop and ask him if he feels safe and comfortable with what I’m doing. I want him to participate in the decision making and he appreciates that. He is less scared and more confident in sex now. With sex, it's very important to take little steps that show that you can trust each other.

HIV negative guys want to hear the definites about what is and isn’t safe, so I gave Petro a booklet on negative-positive relationships to read. He said he feels more confident after reading it. By asking questions and educating himself, he can make rational decisions. In the booklet he found information on pre-cum and that it does have a certain risk. I learned something I didn’t know and we discussed that. We are learning and sharing information. Not discussing things can lead to risky behaviour and greater anxiety. By talking about difficult issues, you take away their power to interfere in your relationship.

If you practise safe sex, a negative-positive relationship is very safe where you know the person and take care. It's much safer than casual sex where you assume the other guy's negative and you might take more risks.

It’s getting to the stage where we have discussed some relationship rules. Because he is coming out of an eight year relationship I don’t want to put something in place that will restrict or limit him in any way. So if he needs to fuck around, he can fuck around. I hope that emotions and love will change that and I can already see that in him. He has told me when he is fucking with someone else he only thinks of me - that’s so Latino. So, the rule is use your freedom and this will be re-evaluated after a while.

As our attitudes change and our confidence grows, we feel more comfortable with our relationship – we’re working through it together.