Vanessa Wagner

Gender illusionist Vanessa Wagner has had her fair share of life experiences. We asked her to share some of her distilled wisdom on relationships with distressed readers…

Q: We used to have quiet nights in and now my boyfriend wants to go out all the time. Where is this heading? Lonely nights

Dear Lonely Nights,

Firstly, it sounds like your boyfriend is heading out and your heading to the Tontine. But seriously I think many relationships are in a permanent state of flux, things change and that can be a good thing. I’m assuming you guys have been together for a while and with time many couples want a little bit of change and variety. These urges can happen for each party at different times. The juggling act is not to personalise things too much or see any change as a deterioration of the relationship.

I don’t always feel like snuggling up at home with a book or watching shocking Australian telly. I sometimes feel like getting out there for a coffee/ drink and a chat. I recently spent the whole day at gorgeous Cockatoo Island for the Biennale with friends and it was a real tonic.

If you are happy to stay at home a lot then do that, but don’t put the chains on the boy’. It’s not a good look and a large length of leash chain from the hardware store will set you back a fortune, and could create ructions. To some extent I do believe in that poignant yet pithy aphorism – if you love someone, set them free. Having said this, if you feel he wants to go out an unusual amount of time, and you feel a bit lonely then sit down and have a good chat when you are both feeling relaxed and happy. By the way, where is he going? To the Brandenberg Orchestra or the Pleasure Chest?

Love Vanny.

Q: I can’t keep it up with a condom on. It just droops. But I love my boyfriend so much and I want to make wild love with him. What do I do? Woody

Dear Woody,

Wow, I have I got news for you babe! Imagine if the condom was invented for purely fetishistic purposes, how many people do you think would have an aversion to them? I know it’s a silly thing to ask because condoms are, and will continue to be, one of the best ways to protect us all (poz and neg) from a range of lurgies and nasties. Obviously for some, this thin latex prophylactic has less than savoury overtones, whether it is the taste, the feel or the associations with disease and risk. Thankfully condoms come in a huge range of shapes, sizes, colours and textures so there is one to fit your needs.

To reclaim and sexualise the franger you could get your BF to pop one in his mouth and gently roll it over your throbbing manhood. If this doesn’t work then can I recommend the old doctor’s and nurse’s routine? It’s a trusty old chestnut and surprisingly helpful in such clinically flaccid scenarios. I hate to suggest yet another pill in our pharmacopial dystopia, but you could always try one of those erectile dysfunction pills as a last resort. They are expensive, usually work, but don’t necessarily get to the underlying psychological issues that are stopping you from barring up whilst wrapping it up.

Lube up and good luck, Vanny xxx

Q: Positive guys seem to have all the support. I don’t begrudge my boyfriend’s support, but where can I go? I don’t want to lay it all on him. Looking

Dear Looking,

I’ve heard this from a few serodiscordant folk over the years and it’s a valid issue. I can understand you feeling a little left out as you are probably carrying a bit of “weight” as the neg partner and all the wonderful things that go with this responsibility. We all need time and space to vent, share and learn, regardless of our HIV status. And in this ever pluralistic 21st century there is probably a group to cater for most people's needs, whether it is a men’s group or the Lee Lin Chin Face book fan site. But seriously, it might be worth finding out if you are able to access some subsidised psychology visits under the Medicare EPC scheme. I do know that currently support services and social possibilities that could suit you include the negative partners’ group at ACON (call 9206 2000), counselling services, PLUS workshop weekends at the Positive Living Centre for people with HIV and their significant others (call 9699 8756) and Planet Positive nights which are for HIV positive people and their friends .

Give Positive Life a call (9361 6011) for more services in your area. xxoo

Q: My date went wrong. It was after I told him I was poz. Do you think that is why? Hotpoz

Dear Hotpoz,

Dating is becoming a rare social past time, so I take my wig off to you just for embarking on a physical date. People are fickle, especially when planning a potential partner and dates almost always end up a little pear shaped, so don’t go blaming your HIV status. It’s so hard to know if and when to disclose your status, I think it’s your business until you get them into the bed business.

I once cyber dated a bloke for a few weeks then just before he was to travel 200km to meet me in the flesh I told him my status in an email. I made sure it was humorous and tinged with a touch of creative guilt tripping. I think I said: “it was his prerogative to dump me and send me to a remote Indonesian Island surrounded by Komodo Dragon’s”. It worked in this case! He was only 21 and from regional Queensland, but I think he was educated enough and got my point about over reacting to a poz disclosure.

It really cheeses me off when people say they don’t want to date an HIV poz person because of the risk, but they happily have casual sex with myriad folk whose status is unknown. If you are still chatting with your date then maybe ask him why he dumped you, it may not be your status, but other issues. If it was your status that freaked him out then maybe a little lecture wouldn’t go astray. If you can’t be bothered with this ordeal then do you really want to spend time with such an ignoramus?

Vanny

Q: I’m terrified my bf might get sick and require care. What care support services are available? Worried

Dear Worried,

The last thing any of us want in this urgent modern world is another slice of stress. The fear of the unknown can be powerful and destructive and is not good for anyone’s immune system. I guess the first thing to ensure is that your partner is seeing a good doctor that they feel comfy with. He should be seeing a doctor that has experience in dealing with HIV and who is an S100 prescriber for HIV meds. Your partner should regularly monitor blood and other tests, usually every three to six months depending on a variety of factors. Hopefully this way there won’t be too many surprises and, if so, people can act before things get out of hand.

We really have come a long way in treating this nasty virus and it’s uncommon for people to get very sick from HIV if they are being monitored and are taking their medication correctly. Of course, there are some people that don’t respond to HAART or who have nasty side effects and this is still a concern.

Isolation, stigma or ensuing depression could also raise their heads. Your partner’s doctor can refer him (and you) to a counsellor or psychologist that won’t cost you a cent. If, in the worst case scenario, your partner does become ill then he is entitled to Centrelink support and you may be able to get carer’s support. There is plenty of information about lots of help and services from your local AIDS council. The Internet is also a great place to surf around for services, stories and peer support. So, happy hunting and as the Scouts say “be prepared”.

Love, Vanny. Xx