Chad and Ari

Chad and Ari

We met five years ago in Sydney, Ari was sitting on a bench in Bondi Junction stranded, with not a cent on him and I had lost my wallet. He gave me a lift home. After that day we knew we wanted to be together, so we left our partners for each other. And, despite our religious differences, one being Jewish the other Muslim, we started as really good friends.

We are currently not together, but remain the best of friends, just like when we met five years ago.

Tony and Sean

We all bring different things to the relationship and we need to find ways to deal with these. For Sean and tony, HIV was one of those differences

Sean: We met at Mardi Gras in ‘06. We started seeing each other as friends first and then started going out a couple of months later. After three months of being together we went and got our first HIV test. That was when mine came back positive and Tony’s came back negative. We were both 26.

Tony: We found out together. Because we found out very early on in our relationship it was pretty difficult.

Sean: For me, there were feelings of responsibility and a lot of fear for Tony. As time went on it drew us closer together because it was something that not many people knew about. It wasn’t something that you discussed even with those who knew. We developed a lot of trust in each other. If anyone’s going to be in a pos-neg relationship for the long term, trust and honesty in the initial stages are important. From there you can build on it. We overcame the initial fear by trusting each other, talking things through and knowing that we were both in the situation together. As we learned more about HIV we eased into it.

Accessing support - he's going through what I'm going through

Tony: We looked into opportunities for support and information. We both spoke to people on the HIV Information Line (Albion Street - (02) 9332 9700 or 1800 451 600) and we saw a psychologist. They helped us with information on how to keep me safe. Just hearing other people in our age group have gone through the same experience helped.

For me, it was difficult knowing that Sean was one of the younger people to get HIV. I just assumed that people our age were less likely to get it. I thought only older gay men would have had it.

Sean: When I started seeing a psychologist they said Tony could go as well, but then they referred him to other people. That was a bit hard on him because he’s going through what I’m going through. He still needs the same sort of support. At the time, there wasn’t support for the negative partner in the relationship. I could get whatever I wanted in terms of support or treatment, but Tony had to struggle for it. That was hard on him.

Tony: Talking with other neg guys in the same situation would have helped quite a lot. A program where both couples could go (negative and positive) would have been a huge help for both of us in terms of being able to share our experiences and to hear back from other guys going through the same thing.

Condoms became a part ofsex as much as lube or kissing

Sean: When we tested for HIV we were looking forward to the results coming back negative so that we could have sex without a condom if we wanted to. Now safe sex is about using condoms all the time.

Tony: This may have worked in our favour because I’ve never had unprotected sex before. I was relatively happy just to continue using condoms.

Sean: Condoms can be an annoyance. However, it really depends on how you handle them. We didn’t make a big deal out of it. When we engage in sex we obviously start off with foreplay and then as we’re doing that we put the condom on without even saying anything. There’s no stopping to break the intimacy or flow. I was worried that having to use a condom was going to be a constant reminder of HIV for both of us, but that went away.

Tony: Attitudes to condoms and safe sex can change over time. We still used a condom, but there were times where we could have got carried away, especially after a night out.

Walking away and forgetting each other would be a mistake

Tony: At this point in time we have decided to break up. We’re not closing the chapter on anything; we’re just putting a pause on it for now.

Sean: Yeah, I’m Tony’s first serious long-term relationship. There’s obviously many options open to him, which I’ve already had the chance to experience, like having other relationships. Tony wants to go travelling and to live overseas which is something I don’t want to do. Plus we’ve got a lot of healing to do. Our relationship has been a positive experience for both of us in terms of growing, but in terms of quality of life it’s been really draining and really exhausting mentally and physically. We both need a break to figure ourselves out and figure out what our future holds.

Sometimes relationships end. It doesn't mean you have failed.

It’s a lot easier to work through the break up together because we can take care of each other. I don’t think it would work to completely lose contact with Tony. We went through this together, and to be able to talk about the past and how we’re feeling now is important. Even though it hasn’t ended in an ideal situation, it’s still going to be a happy ending. Sometimes relationships end. It doesn’t mean you have failed.

Tony: I never intended for Sean to be out of my life completely. I think that’s why I’ve actually been really lucky with how supportive he’s been with my decision to end the relationship. He has been phenomenal with his support and helping me through this. A lot of it comes from affection - being able to show each other that we still love each other regardless.