Gary and Sebastian

He’s it, the one you want, and you knew this moment had to come. You’ve decided it’s time to tell him your hIV status. Here are Christopher’s top ten tips for telling, which might make it a little easier.

1. Know the facts about HIV yourself e.g. how you get it and how you don’t get it. Some HIV negative guys can know a lot about HIV, but other guys’ knowledge might be pretty basic or even out of date.

2. Do it somewhere quiet and calm where you – and he – don’t feel too exposed. Needless to say, in person is good, and have plan B in mind for “après disclosure” (like: “Do you want to give me a call tomorrow to catch up?”) so there’s no pressure for anyone.

3. Try and stay cool he will pick up on your vibe. If you’re stressed or freaked out about being positive, that can come across to him - and it may seem very sweet or it may seem like a lot of… baggage.

4. Think of it as a process because questions can come up further down the track, later on that week or month if all goes well - and particularly if he wasn’t expecting the news. You might also have to be prepared for those weird hypothetical questions like: “What if you came on me exactly where I had an open, running sore” etc.

5. Have an idea about someone he can talk to (besides yourself) - where he can ask all the difficult or ‘stupid’ (because really there are no stupid) questions he doesn’t feel comfortable bringing up with you. It’s all part of the process (see previous comment).

6. You're telling him something personal so I see nothing wrong with waiting until the second date and he’s actually got to know you*. I realize there are different schools of thought on this one: some people are totally upfront and some might react differently to not being told straight away. Communicate and explain. Of course while a second date is one thing, it’s not a good idea to leave it until your third anniversary.

7. Expect the unexpected and you won't be surprised because sometimes the guy, who you thought would be aware and switched on, turns out to have more issues than you anticipated, or perhaps he just had a bad experience earlier on. And then someone else who hasn’t had much exposure to the whole HIV thing could be really on the ball.

8. Or you can try sussing' him out first - if you’re still not quite sure. You could always slip in a few observations (a critique of the ACON poster over there on the wall of the club), or ask him if he’s ever read Tales of the City, or even just pick up an interesting magazine like this one and start flipping through it. If the response is less than generous it could be a sign to call it a night.

9. If you've decided, stick to your decision e.g. you can always say, when you arrange to meet: “I’ve got something important to tell you tonight.” That can make it harder to chicken out, unless you end up thinking of something really unusual to divulge instead.

10. Being close is about sharing so cheer up everybody has vulnerabilities of some kind (God knows he might have something he needs to tell you too). Knowing each other better is an important part of developing a bond. Remember if he says no think about the times you’ve said or thought no. It happens, and it’s better he’s honest. It could be for any number of reasons (not just HIV). So at the end of the day – try and relax and be yourself. If he’s the one, he’ll understand and if he doesn’t, someone else will.

* While this may be Christopher's approach keep in mind the NSW Public Health Act says that if you have a sexually transmissible medical condition you must tell your partner before sex. Positive Life NSW has advocated, and continues to advocate, that the law reflect the importance of condoms in reducing the risk of HIV transmission. Editors